So I know it has been a hot second since I posted on my blog after posting consistently since the beginning of the year, you might not actually care why I stopped posting or you might, who knows? But as I can’t seem to fall asleep at the moment I thought I would write a blog post about how I am feeling and what is up with me as I haven’t written down my feelings in what feels like quite a while.
Okay, so where do I start? Maybe with the fact that I have seemed to stopped posting posts ever since starting my second year of university and that is actually one of the reasons I stopped posting. My workload has increased immensely ever since starting this year and I have no idea why as I feel like I managed well enough with my first-year workload, yet this year I am definitely struggling. I have also lost a lot of motivation to do anything and I feel like even though I am doing a lot of work for university, I have a lot of downtime where I just do not want to be productive in. I barely read, especially since November time when majority of my deadlines hit, I have no motivation to film or edit videos, I am actually thinking of taking a month long break from YouTube to figure out what kind of videos I want to put out and try to get back to it when my creative spark reignites as I literally film a ton of videos yet end up hating them as I edit them or get close to finishing edit them and I just delete them. I think I just might be struggling with my identity recently. Before university, I feel like at school I was the quiet good girl that loved to hang out with her friends every day and I loved talking with everyone in my year or classes as we all knew each others name. Whereas at university, it’s just go to your lecture or seminar, sit there for an hour or two and then leave and do what you want, and I find it incredibly intimidating going up to other people as I have no idea if they will actually want to talk to me, and it’s like what do I even talk to them about. I DON’T KNOW!
You might also have noticed I have gone off on Instagram as I ended up pretty much deleting all my photos and only leaving around 12 on my feed and in my bio, it says ON A BREAK. I have no idea what came over me one night but that night I had come to the conclusion I don’t want to post bookstagram photos anymore. It just brings me no joy whatsoever, it actually frustrates me as I end up really loving my photo yet barely receiving any likes to show how much people appreciate my work so what always goes around in my head in those times is “what’s the point of me wasting my time on this?”
I had also noticed this year that I end up wasting a lot of time on instagram doing nothing and instagram was actually a huge contributor to me spending more money on books. For instance, not long ago I had bought around 8 new adult books, 7 of which I had already read on my kindle which now looking back at was a huge waste of money as the books in this genre are more expensive than the usual paperback I tend to buy. I literally bought them because they had pretty covers and I wanted to take pictures of them, yet I was perfectly happy with having my ebook copies which wasted less space in my room. One of my biggest goals this year that I wanted to accomplish was to digitalise most of my physical book collection as I am actually one of those people that loves reading on her kindle, yet I have not done anything to contribute to that goal.
I think what I am trying to say in this blog post is that I don’t want to fall into the consumerism whole in the book community of just buying books for the sake of owning them and having a large collection. I feel like I would be much more content with owning one bookshelf, instead of 2.5 like I do now, and my room looking much more cleaner and less cluttered. I feel really passionate about my kindle so I really want to go back to reading on it and maybe even dedicating a full month to just reading the books I have on my kindle as I feel like that would be a lot of fun.
I actually don’t think I will be going back to bookstagram anytime soon but I am going to keep my account for sure, maybe I will just put it on private for now. With my YouTube channel, even though I really wanted to post all the end of year book videos like I did last year I am just going to give it a rest and if I still want to share them with you I can just film them at the beginning of 2019. With my blog, I might try and make it more lifestyle (maybe) or review more non-fiction books as you guys seem to enjoy those reviews the most. Hope you all understood what I was trying to say in this blog post and hopefully my grammar and punctuation are all in the correct place as I am just going to post this without reading it.
I love you all and it’s not your fault but mine that I am in this weird place in my life. I just have no idea what I like, who I am and what I want anymore. I hope you all have an amazing rest of the year and the holidays, I will see you (if I do) sometime in the near future (I hope).